


Tales of the University

by 23Murasaki



Category: Tales of the Abyss
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - No Powers, Crack, Crack Relationships, Gen, One Shot Collection, it's meant to be funny, old fic, this fic is nearly an antique, very old fic
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-09-08
Updated: 2016-09-23
Packaged: 2018-08-13 20:45:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 3,464
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7985596
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/23Murasaki/pseuds/23Murasaki
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>College AU? College AU. </p><p>Luke and company experience/suffer through life at Eldrant University. There's not much of an actual plot, oops, but there are evil professors, cunning schemes, paintball guns, DnD, Homestuck references, soap opera levels of deception, and possibly maybe hypothetically love. </p><p>(In case the tags aren't clear enough– this is an OLD fic, this was a crack fic even back then, and it's mostly up for all of us to laugh at. Some of my other fics are trying to be Quality. This is not one of them. The chapters are very short because they're all oneshots.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Mad Libs, anyone?

**Author's Note:**

> Professor Curtiss hosts something that's not even pretending to be a study session.

“He took her by the earlobe, and declared: My cabbage, I want to purchase your canary!” Guy read aloud from the newly completed madlib, suppressing a grin. “... Really Jade, I though you of all people would be good at this.”

“My, my. I thought I was doing rather well, myself. Oh well.” A mild smile was fixed on Jadeʼs face. “I do suppose I am too old for such joys.”

“Youʼre not ~that~ old, Professor Curtiss~!” Anise giggled, twirling her long black hair. “Besides, you look young...”

“...Anise, I donʼt think thatʼs appro–” Tearʼs attempted intervention and the expected ensuing argument were quickly averted, as Jade snatched the book of madlibs out of Guyʼs hands.

“Hey!”

“Now, Anise, how kind of you to volunteer to be our next victim. Letʼs see...”

“If this one is any good, do I get extra credit~?” Anise asked, bouncing excitedly. Jade sighed.

“Not unless you get the extra credit question on the exam correct, which you may have difficulty doing if this is how you spend my office hours.”

“Well, I did come in here to ask a question, but you were having a party!”

“If this is your opinion of a party–” began Sync, but then Luke and Asch managed to cut him off in unison.

“Itʼs not a party!” Then Asch made to punch Luke in the face, Guy tried to intervene and wound up smacking Asch, and Tear had to physically restrain Natalia from going to her boyfriendʼs rescue. Then the door opened with a dramatic crash.

“What are you graceless buffoons even doing in here!? Midterms are coming up and some people do not wish to have their ears screeched off and–”

“Dist. Sit down, have some tea, and give me three nouns, an adverb, and two verbs.” Jade didnʼt even bother sounding pleasant at this point, even though his lips were tilted up at the corners. He looked rather like he was snarling. Dist scowled at him and refused the proffered beverage.

“I donʼt trust anything made by a snake like you!” There was a moment as all parties, except maybe Jade, wondered what would happen, before the lilac-haired man dropped unwillingly into a chair. “Abomination, snake, wrench, gracefully, dismantle, enchant. Now what?”

“My, my. I suppose you have bested me yet again, then...”

“... At what?”

“Making madlibs sound utterly filthy.” Dist lurched from his chair to try and snatch the book, but Jade had quickly tossed it away. “Guy, read.”


	2. Freshmen and the Walking Dead

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Luke and friends debate apocalypses and who can survive them. (Dialogue only)

“Hey, guys?”

“What is it, Luke?”

“If the apocalypse–”

“Wait. Homestuck apocalypse, Supernatural Apocalypse, Resident Evil apocalypse...?”

“Uh, well, I meant zombies.”

“Oh, I love zombies~!”

“... Maybe Professor Curtiss will get you one for your birthday if you ask politely? Anyway, Luke, zombie apocalypse?”

“Yeah. Like, would we survive one?”

“Well, the question is, separately or together?”

“What?? Youʼd abandon us in an apocalypse, Anise?!”

“Iʼm just saying, some of you would just be liabilities...”

“Anise, thatʼs not nice. Of course we would work together. There is strength in numbers, correct?”

“Thank you, Ion! Yes, Iʼm sure we all have skills we could contribute to a common cause!”

“Thatʼs pretty true, though. Like Tearʼs a nursing major, and Asch is on the football team, and Guyʼs an engineer...”

“And Luke has abs!”

“Yeah, I do. H-hey! What are you implying?!”

“Anise!”

“Anise, please donʼt be mean.”

“Oh come on, Ion. Some people just donʼt have marketable skills!”

“Well, I make up for it in other ways!”

“Yeah. I feel like Lukeʼd be the main character in this.”

“Ugh, shitty RPG protagonist?”

“Anise. Donʼt curse.”

“Sorry Ion~!”

“N-no I could see it, though. Like the main guy in a Persona game.”

“Donʼt they start with like... no skills whatsoever?”

“HEY!”

“No skills, but a special power. And besides, they develop skills as the plot progresses.”

“Guy, youʼre not supposed to pick on me too!”

“Itʼs alright Luke. I havenʼt any marketable skills either, as far as I can see. At least youʼd be able to fight...”

“Thatʼs true, Ionʼs more of a damsel in distress type than I am...”

“Yeah, ʻcause you can shoot! Ha, Natalia, you canʼt be a princess type!”

“Well, at least I have rudimentary skills!”

“If weʼre still talking about zombies Natalia would probably have an advantage...”

“Well, so would you, Tear. Does anyone else know first aid?”

“Ah... sort of? I canʼt do much past like... bruises though.”

“So itʼs decided!”

“Whatʼs decided?”

“Battle of the sexes zombie apocalypse~?”

“Precisely, Anise!”

“Um... Guys? I really donʼt believe this is a good idea...”

“Thatʼs okay, Ion! You can be on our side! You donʼt count as a guy!”


	3. Gratuitous Homestuck References Ahoy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You know what makes relationship dynamics less complicated? Quadrants and references to fandoms not everyone in the room knows. Professor Curtiss continues to be an utter troll. (Warning for uh, really dated Homestuck references, really dated Homestuck fandom references and vaguely implied-for-discussion's-sake Jade/Dist.)

“No, Iʼm pretty sure Professor Curtiss and Dr. Gneiss are like... in hate with each other,” said Ginji, gesturing broadly. This was greeted by a number of nods and Anise pouting, because she liked her romance fluffy, evidently.

“Yeah, theyʼve got a really good blackrom going on,” Guy agreed distractedly, eyes fixed on his laptop. The next instant Anise had forcibly replaced the laptop in her excitement.

“YOU READ THAT TOO?!” And then Guy fell over backwards in a panic, Natalia got up to yell at Anise, Ginji started yelling something about things that happened on Derse, Luke started yelling about being confused, Ion tried to ask people to stop yelling, Asch started yelling about idiots and obsessive personalities, and then Sync punched him because, evidently, lowbloods.

And then the door opened.

“... My, my. Could you children kindly limit the strife?”

“Uh, wait, what?”

“Sorry! Wonʼt happen again!”

“Iʼll strife you!”

“... Really, Luke, I would advise against that.”

“Luke, donʼt pick strifes. Sorry, Professor Curtiss. We got a bit excited, thatʼs all.”

“Yeah, somehow we got lost off of blackrom...”

“Professor, what IS a blackrom?”

“Why ever do you think I would know something like that, Luke?”

“Because Guy said youʼre in one with Dist?” Jade blinked. Guy facepalmed. Luke looked around in confusion. “What??”

“My my, thatʼs not the right quadrant at all, Guy.”

“That was kinda the debate though. Which quadrant...?”

“Taupe.”

“... What?”

“Taupe.”

“I donʼt think–”

“There is definitely a taupe quadrant. I would know.”

“...Professor, are you trolling us?”

“Oh, certainly not. Itʼs described in full in todayʼs update...” And then he smirked as most of the people in the room practically flung themselves at Guyʼs abandoned laptop. Ion blinked and shook his head.

“... I still donʼt get it though,” whined Luke helplessly. Jade just laughed.


	4. Like the Paintball Episode of Community

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Who thought it was a good idea to have a campus-wide paintball battle? Who knows. What matters is, Luke and Guy are totally gonna win. Also Van is up to something, but that's surely irrelevant.

It was the sort of thing that had to have been Jadeʼs idea. That or the engineering faculty had gone off their heads again, and perhaps permanently. There was no other explanation for a university-wide game of paintball that had the phrase “build your own weapons!” on the advertising posters. Literally none.

Well, there was no other way to go about this. The poster called for organized teams, so Ion pulled his cellphone out of the pastel-green cellphone case he always wore on his belt and called Anise. Anise would protect him. That was what best friends were for, right?

“Anise..?” He asked uncertainly when the phone was answered on the first ring.

“Donʼt worry! I have two machine guns!” Anise chirped. Oh.

\-----

“Was this Jadeʼs idea?” Luke asked, folding his arms as he scowled at the poster. Guy shrugged, because he could think of a half-dozen people who would organize this sort of thing just off of the top of his head. Then again, he TAʼd one or two of Jadeʼs classes, so that may have been why. Luke pouted at him.

“... Probably. That or Dr. Gneiss has gone completely nuts.” Dr. Gneiss was already completely nuts. There was no further left to go. Luke did not need to know the specifics of that, however, so Guy quickly got off of the topic. “Well, it calls for teams, right?”

“Right!” Luke lit up excitedly. “Guy, weʼre gonna own these guys!” Guy laughed.

“Yeah. Yeah, letʼs do that.”  
\------

" There was a tactical advantage to paintball sniper rifles, Tear decided after some deliberation. They were rather unwieldy, but that would be less relevant if she found a good position and took out her opponents from there. The top floor or the roof of the library would be preferable for this; she would have to stake a claim before someone like Major Legretta or Sergeant Cecile got there. Legretta had already declared open season on the entirety of the ROTC cadets...

“Penny for your thoughts, Tear?” She glanced over, trying to hide her surprise at being addressed. Noelle grinned at her over her physics textbook, blonde hair kept in place with a Hello Kitty pen.

“Erm... Paintball,” said Tear. Noelleʼs grin broadened.

“Oh, yeah, that is soon, isnʼt it?” Tear nodded. “Cool. Wanna team up?”

\-------

“Asch, what are you doing?” What he was doing was stockpiling weapons and trying to come up with a plan for surviving the paintball apocalypse. A plan for surviving the paintball apocalypse with his less-than-cooperative girlfriend, at that. He wasnʼt really the planning sort, though, but it wasnʼt as though he could leave her and team up with like... Van, or the dreck or something. Besides, Van had declared his intentions of becoming a rogue agent for the duration of said apocalypse. That had to be taken into account.

“... What color paintballs do you want?” he asked in return, because he was certain they were doomed anyway so he could as well have a little bit of fun with blood- red. Natalia pouted. He sighed.

“Red, but thatʼs not the point.” It wasnʼt, and they were going to die, and this was going to suck, but at least they would leave a matching trail of destruction and paint in their wake. It was the little things in life.  
\------  
" “So, Iʼm thinking, if we can take out Curtiss first,” Legretta said, tapping the appropriate office on the map of the school she had spread out on her coffee table, “We can proceed to focus our efforts on lesser targets without much of a problem.”  
" “Heʼs much too canny to hide out there, though,” objected Jozette Cecile with a frown. “I say take out the engineering college first. All of them. Then, we ought to focus our efforts on–” Legretta smirked, clearly seeing where her unexpected ally was going with this.  
" “Peonyʼs boys?” she finished. Jozette grinned at her.  
" “Precisely. They will probably regroup at the frathouse anyway, so if we set up over here and snipe them as they are entering or leaving...” Oh, did it feel good to have a fellow strategist on her side. Legretta was already beginning to question her loyalty to Van and his minions.

\------

“This is stupid.” It was so, so very stupid. He wasnʼt even in this frat. He wasnʼt even in any frat. Between his grandfather and his sister, he wasnʼt allowed to be in any frat. Aslan Frings held up his hands pleadingly.

“Ginji, if you donʼt hide me, we are both going to die.” Ginji rolled his eyes and glared at the older man.

“Stop being so dramatic, itʼs paintball, we canʼt actually die.” In fact, they were much more likely to die if they went along with Aslanʼs plan and stole one of Dr. Gneissʼs ridiculous mechs as a distraction.

“Itʼs a metaphor,” insisted Aslan in a way that made Ginji suspect that he had been pregaming the paintball. How even...? “My point is crazy girls with sniper rifles, and you have access to the labs.” That was, however, a rather good point. With a sigh, decided to take his chances with the engineers.

\------

It would not be a stretch by any means to call the resulting paintball war a bloodbath, given that a significant amount of blood was actually spilled and there were several legitimate death threats and two notable suicide attempts. Van Grants, after and despite, or perhaps because of, having organized half the alliances in the first place, managed to betray literally everyone at least once and several people multiple times.

Eventually, the crisis came to a head in the earth sciences hall, where Professor Jade Curtiss and a pack of assorted students were making their valiant last stand, actual alliances seemingly forgotten in favor of all trying to shoot Van and his team in the face, at least up until Van betrayed everyone again and Dr Saphir Gneiss, in a fit of rage, pulled the fire alarm and triggered the sprinklers, which doused the entire building and all of its occupants in bright turquoise paint, because Professor Curtiss had set up what he had affectionately termed a Reaper Trap.

After that day, paint and guns were both quietly banned from campus.


	5. Rotate Your Friday

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Luke needs a tutor. Guy... can't always help. (Someone gave me a punchline so I wrote a fic. Oops?)

“Sheesh. Whoʼd have thought college was so hard...” Luke sighed, looking surreptitiously up from his algebra book again. Why did he have to even take a math credit? It wasnʼt like he was going to major in the stuff anyway, and as long as Guy knew it...

“You need to focus, you know,” supplied helpfully from what felt and sounded like directly above Luke. It was kinda scary how he could do that, actually. Luke pouted.

“The testʼs not till Friday afternoon, though. You can still tutor me until then...”

“Luke. Itʼs Thursday. And I canʼt tutor you tomorrow morning.”

“Why not? I donʼt have class until noon?” Luke tilted his head back to better direct his pout and puppy-dog eyes at his friend/tutor/thing. Guy was, as usual, unaffected. Luke evidently needed to practice that too.

“I have class, though, and I work Fridays. Iʼm sorry.” For a moment, Luke wondered if Guy was hiding something, but then he dismissed the thought. It was Guy. Guy couldnʼt lie if his life depended on it.

“Well, canʼt you just... canʼt you just rotate your Friday or something?”

“... Rotate my...? You... I... Just do the problems, okay?”


	6. Scientifically Accurate?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dist and Jade bicker, like always. But sometimes giant robots are just easier than words, you know what I mean?

“... Iʼm a water cooler? Really?” Jade drawled, leaning on an actual water cooler and smirking. Dist balled his fists and flailed, to little real effect.

“Yes! Because you are... youʼre...” He had finally run out of insults. Or at least out of sensical ones. Of course, Dist had never let this sort of thing stop him in the past. “Because youʼre full of water and people like to drain you!” he yelled triumphantly. Jade blinked.

“Er... Everything you said is scientifically correct, yes, but I donʼt quite think thatʼs what you were going for.” Of course it wasnʼt. The things that came out of his mouth were very rarely quite what he was going for, and it drove him up the wall. It got worse the angrier he got, too, so spending time with Jade was a recipe for incoherence. So were finals. Butting heads with Jade on finals week meant that people were water coolers and his brain was battery-powered insects.

“... I will sew up your maw.” He had been going for shut up. This worked too, sort of. The sentiment was much the same, after all. Jade sighed, adjusted his glasses, then reached over and patted Dist on the head. The nerve of the man!

“... The week is almost over, you know.” That didnʼt matter. Dist opened his mouth to say that, a few choice insults about Jadeʼs loyalty, intellect, and sexual prowess, and make a witty retort about moronic students, but it came out all kinds of garbled.

“Malevolent serpent whore Tuesday program!” And Jade laughed in his face, but he seemed almost less vicious than usual. Dist tried again for good measure. “Stupid bucket of incompetence and shirtless!”

“... I agree wholeheartedly,” said Jade with a tired grin. “Itʼll be winter soon.” Dist whimpered helplessly. At least he was telling the truth, for a change. It was almost winter. It was almost nice. Almost.

“You are a cake. Of snakes.”

“Of course I am, Saphir. Of course I am.” Of course he wasnʼt.


	7. The One with Dist's Cute Assistant

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Anise gripes about English Lit to the only person who'll listen at the moment. (... Did anyone else have a bunch of feelings about the poor Oracle Knight assigned to babysit Dist in Daath? No? Just me? Ok. Either way, he gets to have more than two lines in this AU!)

“And she said, do you know what she said?” Anise paused for dramatic emphasis as she paced up and down the laboratory furiously, before resuming her rant. “She said, that the color of the shoes relative to the rest of the protagonistʼs wardrobe was symbolic of her inner life! What does that even mean?!?”

“... Likely that what she wore at the foundation of her body had relevance to the spiritual foundation of her being? Maybe?” The other undergrad looked rather lost. Also sort of scared. Evidently he was the only one with little enough self preservation instinct to sign up to intern in Dr. Gneissʼs lab. Anise was pretty sure he was a theology major, which was ridiculous by itself. She glared at him extra sharply for good measure.

“I still donʼt know what that means, damn it!” Thankfully, English Lit was a gen ed class, and after this semester she would never have to look at or think about literary criticism again, but it still made her mad. Dr. Gneissʼs intern chewed on his lip thoughtfully.

“... Like, she wore leather shoes instead of cloth slippers, right? That meant that she valued strength and like... practicality? So her heart was still with her old life and  
her first love?” He didnʼt sound very certain, but it was the best analysis Anise had heard, so she dropped heavily onto a stool and started taking notes.

“What part of your body are you pulling this out of, anyway?” she asked, and the boyʼs cheeks burned.

“Um... I was just... I was just guessing, really,” he mumbled. “Thatʼs the only symbolic association I could draw from leather...” Seriously? Where had Gneiss found this guy? In a choir? Of angels? Then again, sometimes Dr. Gneiss blatantly missed things too, so maybe they were birds of a feather. Still, theology major?

“... Itʼs probably what she wants to hear anyway...” Anise said with a shrug, and the guy grinned shyly at her.

“I... I hope it is. I wouldnʼt like to get you into trouble or anything.” Where did she keep finding guys like this? It was ridiculous. She liked them tall, dark, handsome, wealthy, and sarcastic, yet somehow found herself consistently keeping company with ditzy idiots who wouldnʼt know Derse if it gave them a lapdance.

“Itʼs cool. Thanks anyway.” At least she knew how to play them. “My nameʼs Anise, by the way. Anise Tatlin.”

“Oh! Um... Charles Reiner. Itʼs a pleasure to meet you, Miss Anise.” And there went any desire she had to play him. Where the heck did Gneiss dig this kid up?


	8. Wishing Well

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dr. Gneiss and Dr. Curtiss are... friends, on some level. Sort of. Maybe.

“My, my. You donʼt really believe in those things, do you?” Jade leaned on the fountain, smirky and arrogant as usual. Dist scowled at him.

“No, I just like gracefully throwing pennies at things.” He suited action to word and aimed another coin at Jadeʼs head. Of course he missed, but that didnʼt even matter. Not at this point. Jadeʼs smirk widened.

“What did you wish for?”

“I wasnʼt wishing,” Dist snapped, folding his arms. Wishing for things was pointless, and besides, he wouldnʼt know where to start. Not at this point. Jade glanced over the fountain again and frowned.

“You know, the first thing I thought of when I looked at it was that it would be a good place to drown someone. Thereʼs enough water, and I could hide the body up there, behind the statue with the trident, especially if I did it at night, and no one would find it until ten in the morning when they come to clean.” He laughed quietly. “And then you throw pennies into it.”

“Sh-shut up, you... you heartless snake!” It was moments like this when he really hated Jade. Hated him for being so above everything, so cold, so analytical and capable and impossible to distract, and lacking in every weakness that had driven Dist into the ground time and time again. Jade half turned to look at him.

“... I was complimenting you, I think.”

“Lies! Lies and deception!”

“... What do people wish for at fountains, Saphir?” And something in his tone made Dist stop short, because he actually sounded honestly lost.

“Love, I suppose. Or money, power... Freedom...” As a child, he had always wished for love. He tried very hard not to anymore. Beside him, Jade sighed and stuck his hands in his pockets.

“The usual motives, then? It always seems to come down to them...” His next gesture was abrupt enough to make Dist flinch, but Jadeʼs hand and the penny in it both missed his face by a few inches. The penny also narrowly missed the statue with the trident before landing in the water.

“... What did you wish for?” It was a pointless question. Jade shrugged.

“... Not for murder?” he offered wearily. Dist didnʼt recall allowing himself to laugh at that, but he laughed anyway. After a second of pondering, Jade joined him.


End file.
